Coming Apart: Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I recently ended a long-term friendship. (Technically, my friend broke up with me, but that’s neither here nor there.) I wasn’t really sure what was happening at first. To tell you the truth, it seemed like we were just drifting apart. I couldn't quite put my finger on what was going on between us, so I did some digging on the internet. 

That’s when I stumbled upon Knapp’s Development Relational Model and everything started to become clear to me. This model helped me understand how relationships progress…and also how they deteriorate.

Apparently, there are 5 stages of “Coming together” and 5 stages of “Coming apart.”

Here’s a picture of the model so you get an idea what I’m talking about. 

So what happened between my friend and I? (We’ll call her Jane.)

Stage 1 - Differentiating 

We started to drift apart when I enrolled in school. This stage, according to Knapp’s relational model, is called Differentiating. Once I started school, I had less time to spend with Jane and was putting the majority of my time into my studies. I started to think more about my individual needs as I was swamped between school and work. I was really excited about my classes and I wanted to do well in them. One night, when I couldn’t commit to meet up with her, she told me that school was a “profoundly stupid and needless” endeavor. 

Stage 2 - Circumscribing 

After that night, I felt like I could never talk about school with Jane - which was a huge part of my life! It seemed like the number of things we had to talk about just dwindled. She had her activities and I had mine, but we weren’t sharing much anymore. The day I resorted to talking about the weather…I saw the writing on the wall. (It wasn’t even raining.)

Stage 3 - Stagnation 

At this point, communicating with Jane became almost painful. However, we were tied together because of a mutual project we were working on. I often wondered if we would ever talk again after the project ended, because that was the ONLY reason we saw each other. It was so strange, because we had been such great friends! 

Then…it happened!

Stage 4 - Avoidance

I started receiving messages from others on the project that read like, “Jane wants me to tell you that X or Y is needed.” She was completely avoiding me…even on the project! I didn’t know how to deal with it really, and to be honest, I was somewhat relieved. I didn’t want a conversation to turn into an argument, so I would reply to the third-party that it was taken care of. 

By this time, I had read about Knapp’s relational model, and all I could see was the inevitable termination of our relationship coming to kick me in the face.  

Stage 5 - Terminating

Well, my suspicions were right! When the project ended and we had no longer had a reason to communicate, we just went our separate ways. I thought that was it, although I did feel icky about it. I wound up sending Jane a text asking if she wanted to talk about it. She said it would be better if we just moved on. We obviously didn't have anything in common anymore. And in some ways, she was right.

On one hand, it's the literal worst to lose a friend, but on the other hand, we had just moved so far apart!

I wanted to share this experience with you, not to air my dirty laundry or dunk on my friend, but to let you know that Knapp's Relational Development Model helped me make sense of my situation. I think we’ve all had a relationship go sour for one reason or another, and it may help to be able to identify what’s going on. 

Professor Kay Rutherford from the YouTube channel Instructional Design Team - Seattle Central College does a great job of explaining the model and how relationships can either escalate or deteriorate over time. Check out the video below if you’re curious! 

While my relationship came apart, the other part of the model focuses on how relationships come together. I think it's worth a watch.

Ever experienced something similar? Let me know in the comments!       

Images by Kimberly Scamman.